This blog is about everything that makes me happy and has improved my life in some way... I guess I started out this blog with the way I live a raw vegan lifestyle because I know there is a huge shift happening among us and people are moving this way and are asking for alternatives to the way we live and eat. It goes deeper than that, it's not just about food... as the word 'raw' rings through to my core...it's really about The raw truth, my authentic rawness, living a raw existence, having a "raw and ripe heart" like the shambala book describes.
My heart pendant necklace.What I will be posting on here will be recipes, poems, friends, famous authors, gurus, songs I've written, some of my life lessons and stories, streams of consciousness, photos, thoughts, philosophical ideas, quotes, art, inspirational YouTube links and some of my own videos.
My journey...
What prompted me to write this blog was the fact I keep getting messages and emails everyday through from friends and relatives that see the way I'm now living and are intrigued... Curious... asking me questions about my new life... maybe they're bemused to the sudden 180 I've done and are obviously curious as to how I live my life... it was a life I used to look at other people living and be fascinated with... It was a journey to a place of the complete unknown that I was just thrust into at the beginning of the year.
8 months ago in January 2014 I travelled to India... In a desperate state... But from the outside looking in no one would have known what was going on inside of me because my life must have seemed like any girls dream... I was working as a model booking some 'amazing' jobs and landed some acting roles too, I was dating various guys, earning good money, flying to various "hot spots" for work and play, living in a beautiful flat, surrounded by friends, I had a supportive family...
But no matter what it looked like... I was dead on the inside and the fact that I had the seemingly perfect life that society tells us we must have just made me feel even worse about myself... Then the fact that I just couldn't manage to (in the words of friends and family) 'pull myself together' made it worse because technically there was no reason for me to be so depressed. I was clinically depressed and slowly unravelling further... Yes there were certain events that triggered this move into this new realization but i'll keep that for another time... and I couldn't be more grateful to those seemingly nightmare circumstances as they thrusted and forced me to WAKE UP... There's a great quote that goes something like...
"sometimes our greatest blessings are disguised as are our biggest misfortunes".
I just new there had to be more to life... I kept saying it over and over to myself... I didn't know where this voice was coming from but it was from deep down in my core... I didn't know how or where to go to find the answer... I was just completely lost. And what made it worse was that my perception was that everyone would just think I was being selfish... just not being able to get a grip with life. I don't expect everyone to understand, I don't understand everyone else's journey either... That's ok, it's all perfect just the way life is unfolding right now.. the fragment of the oneness that we all are really.. is experiencing it this way... right now.
After 6 months of constant awful damage to my health through bad diet, poor life choices, negative influential people, a heart murmur caused by severe anxiety and a sense of self loathing, my body and mind gave up... I could feel my brain inside my skull frying and short circuiting, I was suffering deeply and one afternoon sat on the bedroom floor I found myself 'surrendering' everything I knew... All the things that I thought would make me happy hadn't, the 10 year goal list I had written for myself that year I had already achieved 80% of and it was then that I realised I clearly had no idea what would really make me happy... So I surrendered... I left London, my job, friends... everything that had built up my identity as to who I was... Goodbye.
For some reason the idea of going to India had stuck in my head after a friend recommended aryuveda treatment to heal her depression... before I got on the flight to Goa I said to my mum
"Even if I have to shave my head and become a monk to be happy I'll do it"
Something I didn't realize that only a short few months later sat in an Ashram in southern India I would seriously be considering.
The journey so far has changed my life... That is an understatement! I'm living my truth, found a passion of which there are many... to heal and help others... where as before I was passionless... lifes university and mother India taught me hard and extremely painful lessons but I couldn't be more grateful.
I'm not a success by societies standards... I'm not as beautiful, skinny or glamorous as I could make myself, I'm not making loads of money or booking prestigious clients, I'm not going to the best restaurants, clubs or events... I have no plans for a conventional relationship, marriage or kids and I don't think hard about the future... To most I live a life completely out of control, and I agree... I'm living with little control little needs and have ultimate trust that everything works out, yes it's a higher trust in universal powers... which I know sounds bonkers to most of the people that knew me before... that's ok.
I've learnt what's truly important... A connection to something higher than the 'I' the 'ego' a connection to love, a happiness in my heart, a steady ground within myself, the growth of roots, it's something beyond good and bad, it's something beyond balance... I'm more often than not at peace and have connected to the healer inside, I trained as a reiki practitioner, a yoga instructor, a raw chef, a nutritionist and finally connected back to everything that is love. I'm able to help now.. I'm able to be the support, be the uplifter, find the sacred energy within to heal myself and therefore others when the time is right. It's an infinite source...
Finally the Ghandi quote actually made some sense to me... It wasn't just something you say when talking about world peace... I actually got it on a deeper level.
“You must be the change you want to see in the world.”
I realized I had to heal myself first before even thinking about attempting to help others or heal the planet... I know this might sound selfish to pretty much most people bought up in our western society... but it is basic sense.... I learnt that If you put yourself first and make yourself happy and when you learn to truly care and love yourself then everyone in your world will soar and benefit by default because you are in alignment with your true nature and therefore intrinsically know the best way to raise the vibrational tone of everyone, connect to mother nature and the whole planet. When you feel shit you're no help to anyone... Family and close friends were suggesting I go and work in a charity to get over the depression, I tried and it made me feel even worse about feeling bad for no reason. How can I help someone else when I can't even manage to brush my teeth?! So... I decided to get happy, sort my shit out... I.e put your oxygen mask on first then help the person next to you. How can you love another if you don't love yourself? Infact learning to love yourself is probably the least selfish thing a person can do... It's fucking hard...
"If you can not love yourself first so you can not love others also" - osho
After eight months of traveling around India, California and Bali I'm now back in Hampshire catching the tail end of the English summer, this isn't a break in life's adventure, the lessons and teachings are happening just as strong here as they were in India... Parts of the old me are constantly being torn apart, things I thought I new are being ripped off, I often wonder how many layers this onion has... But over the years we've all put on false identities, been coated with belief systems that don't necessarily serve us or others in anyway. They're all being taken from me... Sometimes it's scary, sometimes I'm petrified, sometimes I have to learn the lesson more than once but always when I sit through it love prevails and I come out cleaner, more aware, connected and the love inside me grows. Going through this "spiritual stripping" is not for the faint hearted and I'm sometimes on my knees for days until I settle into a knowing... And it's something that can't be learnt in a book, it's an experience. It's like trying to describe what water tastes like to someone whose never drunk before or describing what you're seeing when you look in a kaleidoscope. Knowledge is amazing and it's empowering and can uplift us but the actual experience is the growth of the soul.
I got sent this yesterday
"Where does it all end you asked ...I don't know maybe when the last layer- the last mask has been dropped? When the last bit of protection has been torn down? When our hearts have been broken open so wide that there is no way for it to close again? When we are stripped naked for all the world to See who we really are? When The Last Little Sense of Security is lost?"
All my coping mechanisms are being shown revealed and slowly slowly the watcher is revealed... Unearthed.
I'm feeling blessed to be back in the uk for this short time and connecting to the grounds and house I grew up in, reconnecting to a place and country that I left in such an inner state of despair... so much has changed, I'm challenged but aware and consciously wiling to take my life and those who want to come with me to the next level.
Of course as you've probably noticed raw food is a passion now... Coming through years of disordered eating with bulimia and anorexia it's been a blessing, in that way and I've seen how it propels my health and energy.
As I mentioned I just finished a raw chef and detox course in the heart of Ubud Bali amongst the healers and serious raw food community and am now practicing the recipes along with some of my own.
I am pretty much free from the big desires goals and wants of the ego but have a very loose plan to create some sort of raw vegan cafe and healing space, music... Food is just pure delicious medicine. I love it... the way I feel and thrive from eating it, the way your skin changes, the mood swings settle... I'm passionate about sharing its healing qualities with people.
It still amazes me that people don't believe there is a cure for cancer... I guess il leave that subject for another time... For now if you're interested just google Rick Simpson, Thc oil, run from the cure, Phoenix tears -
I've been practicing non attachment which enabled me to travel for 8 months with just one piece of hand luggage and a ukulele... However now I've had to upgrade my suitcase to fit in all the raw food tools and supplements.
Non attachment means many things to me and it transpires from emotional non attachment I.e non attachment to lovers and friends across to other spectrums like desires, goals and possessions... So with that in mind this blog will not be constant, I might even abandon it for a few months or stop writing it all together or post everyday... There's no plan.
I live with trust, honesty, truth, love in my heart, connection and surrender, it was the act of surrendering that took me on this journey deep into my soul. I'm guided, I wait for signs, Infact the reason I'm on my way to Portugal was because i saw it spelt in the clouds when i looked upto the sky one day in bali! I have no ridged plans. No end destination. Just through pure trust and love everything unfolds.
I'm a walking contradiction. One moment I think I have the answer to all of life's questions and then the next I'm thinking and living the opposite. All I know is that I live my truth for that moment in time, I just trust and surrender...
My attention is on LOVE and when we tap into love everything else falls into place, the vibrational frequency of the planet is lifted and we can heal.
Connect to the heart... To truth... And trust.
ONE love
Namaste,
Waheguru ✌️
Melly
Hope this doesnt come as an intrusion. Found your blog after searching for Simply Rawgeous after the Festival of Life. Havent read your other entries but skim read this, but the introspection struck me so i started again and read it all properly. Your piece is deep and i see no hint of any regret or self-pity in there, just blunt honestly. I felt compelled to drop a few lines after reading. I just want to congratulate your courage to write and share this, firstly. Ive met a number of women in the past 3 years that have undergone similar lows or break-downs like you have only to find a reawakening and a new life path after some hard sacrifice and radical changes - radical not being anything like reckless, clearly, but something needed and positive.
ReplyDeleteMuch of your story reminds me of somebody i used to be close to. But after some time i unwittingly went from being a companion and positive person in her life to a source of negative and confusing energy, a source of pain even. Regretfully for me it was unseen at the time and something i blindly thought i was in fact, being the opposite of. But good for her, she cut loose when reality had sunk in, and looked to herself and to her present, and not to the immediate past that seemed better or to some future that only exists as imagination.
Pretty much around the same time as that chapter for her ended and new ones were beginning, she started to explore the poetry of Rumi and a form of trance called whirling. Much of what you write about; love, oneness happiness, and whatnot, is central to that trance and state or mind, or spirit. I guess this brings me my point. I dont know if you know much about the poetry of Rumi and whirling, but i know that she found in it not only a source of healing, but also of growth, strength, peace etc Altho associated with Sufism, there is no dogma attached to it. The dance, the whirling, the poetry, it is just between you and ‘the One’, whatever that means to you; some God or another, your spirit, or just yourself. Perhaps its something that might be another positive addition to your new life.
I hope you dont mind this message, or that suggestion. At Festival of Life i was waiting to ask the lady serving at Simply Rawgeous a bit about the project, but you came over and when i began to ask you instead your whole energy and demeanour changed and you seemed pretty nervous and uncomfortable as soon as i started talking. Your reaction was the same later when you passed our stall and i asked you about having a lighter or a gas cooker in the back. Your defensive reactions towards me had stuck in my mind the rest of the night, altho i couldnt figure out why id triggered that shift in you. Perhaps i should apologize if i threw your energy off for some reason, or, perhaps your life changes have made you sensitive to negative vibes..
Anyway, apologies again if this comes as an intrusion. I hope you find more of what you’re looking for in Portugal.
All the best,
Wow there has been a lot of thought put into your message to me and I want to ask you to look deep within yourself as to why you noticed my demeanour and energy change when I came to talk to you. If my energy was that of a high vibration before and when I came to you maybe t was within yourself you felt the energy change? Whatever we experience on the outer world is a reflection of our inner world. So ask yourself why we're you nervous? I cannot remember the event you speak of brother :) all I know is that love is for all. For you for my sisters for all my brothers and it's not exclusive. We must look deep within ourselves for the answers. If we blame or condemn or judge others it is showing that up within ourselves.
ReplyDeleteX
You're right, perhaps it was something within myself that was unbalanced already - altho my message before wasnt intended to sound like im blaming or judging you for something (i can see now that it reads that way tho). I didnt articulate well what i was getting at. I dont actually know why i wrote you that message now, insomnia keeps me up usually... I did feel your energy that afternoon most of the time that you'd walk by our stall to that kitchen and back (i think it was a kitchen?). Im not sure why tho, it was just a presence i felt and sure enough when i looked up, it was usually you running past. When we actually did exchange a few words tho my head was telling me that i had made you feel uncomfortable so stop talking to her (you). But you're right, maybe that was just something awkward or off-balance within me...
ReplyDeleteWell, its the Autumn equinox in a couple of hours, and so the start of Libra. Libra, being the scales - balance, justice and so on - a good month then for clarity and harmony, if deserved..
I apologize if my earlier message sounded like i was being confrontational or judgemental, i wasnt. I respect what you wrote about yourself and just wanted to reach out after reading it, despite being strangers.
I hope Libra will be kind to you. Have a good night, and Autumn equinox!
One love brother. So much infinite love to you x
ReplyDeleteRight back at ya!
ReplyDeleteDo you guys also do the yoga show? (https://www.facebook.com/events/1457924937821044/). Have a friend who has a stall there with her dad and another who's giving a free class. Might go down to see them, altho i never tried yoga before so doubt i'll participate if i end up going. Thought it'd interest you and rawgeous cafe tho.
I'm in Portugal now and Rawgeous will be again next summer :) hopefully as can chat then? Xx
ReplyDeleteSure, if im here next summer! If you use FB feel free to keep in touch there to let me know different festivals/events you guys work (Aki El). I havent really done any besides MBS and FestofLife but id like to do some of the outdoor and proper ones if i ever get a chance...
ReplyDeleteWell, there's a solar eclipse on the 23rd, also the start of Scorpio - not that it might mean anything outside of symbolism or that we'll see it from Europe, but a good enough occasion as any to consider the date auspicious - so enjoy it from Portugal!
Nice cake and sketches btw,
Dont intend for this to be a reply on your blog and doubt i'll make it there myself, but thought this fest might interest you: https://www.facebook.com/events/1555807541319599/
ReplyDeleteMerry Xmas and New Year!
Hiya, how are you? Hope you're well. A friend of mine is making a documentary called Autonomy and thought it might interest you if you wanted to participate and share your views, so just wanted to share this link - http://galacticrhythm.com/autonomy/
ReplyDeletePerhaps you know her already as she moves in similar circles to you and has a similar background, her name is Raquel Rios.
Sorry im sending this through your blog btw, didnt know how else to pass to pass it on to you!
Dear Melly, I so enjoyed reading your story. As ive been on a similar journey ,stripped from everything I though was MY LIFE, I identified with all you wrote. Detaching myself from people has been the last journey and by reading your story I could see where I am on my path /journey ...the stripping away of everything and the reasons and meaning for that in my life. Its not a bad thing at all. Its been the best thing in my life. Painful but freeing and has brought peace and inner happiness. My journey has taught me about other peoples inner struggles, especially psychological inner world which I took for granted too. Its easy to point fingers to what went wrong and who is to blame but most of all its more important to focus on being grateful for our own blessings and for what weve been blessed with. This is where I find myself ....alone in Taiwan..but happy and free at last. Love to you and all reading here. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI just want to mention that its so important to read . All of us receive a little bit of wisdom and we learn so much from each other when we share.SHARING is such a healer. It really helps us to see the bigger picture..that all the details in life really mean nothing . And that TIME just wipes out everything and is such a great HEALER. TO WAIT. We are fortunate who learn to strip away the ego ......you have just made me focus and see this very clear how important this process is. I have realized how my process has been working..and why people have been such a great stumbling block in my life. The more I am away from people , the more I grow and find happiness. An enlightening observation through reading your story has hilited this again.
ReplyDelete